“Chance is the greatest criminal to ever roam the Earth”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Haod osifie rod idbeisokd jneiidn ixjbr fers ppdnek dishes soofns spoo lsllnsi shhs be iifnr back just jsjskkeb jfnoe sjso udhhhh mxhsidb iris kdk lfppdp opsite isnd jje assume isksmen idiwn dido kxooo isiaal ndjaj lapp isiuhn naosofn.

What you read just then is exactly the noises the gears in my brain where making when I was trying to understand what on Earth was happening in We Are The Flesh.

We Are The Flesh, directed by Emiliano Rocha Minter, is a hard one to paraphrase but I’m gonna do my best. Two teenagers, wandering an apocalyptic city stumble across a ragged man living on his own. In exchange for food, the teenagers help the man build a comfortable cave for them all to live in. As the solitude starts to affect them all, they all begin to embrace their darkest desires.

Call me old fashioned but I always like a bit of story. A story that you can interpret yourself but ultimately a story you can follow, for example, Black Swan. Having every single aspect of your story be confusing, thats when things getting a little scue whiff for me.

Aside from the first 20 minutes or so, this film is essentially tame porn. It had an interesting take on a sex scene when it went from normal camera to a hear signature, which I thought was pretty well done but I was a little caught off guard with the 20 second long up close shot of a ladies twinkle lips and then followed by another 20 second close up of a man’s baby sludge cannon. Just not what I was expecting.

Ill give this film this. It was shot very well. I really appreciated the style of this film with its interesting cameras movements and general colour scheme, for example, the heat signature sex scene, I thought that was very well done. But the style just isn’t consistent with the story. Its one of those very artsy films that let’s you interpret its own way. It does give a bit of context with the final shots but other than that you’re on your own in this jungle of nonsense and orgies.

If it looks like I’m trying to sell you this film, I’m not. The fact that it was just all over the place and nothing really made sense just didn’t sit right. By all means if you’re curious at the amount of random sex and floor pissing there is in this film then you go ahead. I just feel that there are much better artsy films out there than this.

Overall this film wouldv’e done well with a different writer but with the same director. The director clearly has skill and knows what he wants out of a shot, I just can’t get behind the matter that was being shown because it was just nonsense at points. Like I say, if you want to see a man being born from a wall, be my guest.

5 Great Eggscape Tunnels out of 10

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“You talking to me?”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Big up all the taxi drivers out there, I both fully appreciate you and also hate you. On the one hand you’re great, the drunk, yuck people you have to put up with at half one in the morning is inspiring, I couldn’t do that, but you know what I can do…. follow the highway code!! Come on, you drive everyday yet you’re all over the place, you should be the best. Its like having a baker that makes shite cakes everyday but they get away with it because their customers are too drunk to notice they’re awful, but sober people who bake in their spare time look at this baker in amazement that their baking skills are so sub par, its your job! Bake better, taxi better, rant over.

Taxi Driver, directed by Martin Scorsese, follows ex -army vet Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), a mentally unstable individual that gets overpowered by the intensity of the New York night life. Working as a taxi driver, he sees all the unjustices in the world which fuels his violent side to take action.

Slow film but good film, it takes a while for the story itself to kick off but what does stand out right at the beginning, right from the first second is the stunning visuals this film has to offer. Everytime the film entered the dreary, neon lit night of New York I was grabbing the tissues and lotion because it was just beautiful. Possibly the most stand out aspect of the film for me is the visuals. Its also a fantastic character study but I got distracted by the pretty lights.

Travis Bickle, Good guy just trying to do good, thats the story really. As I mentioned, he sees the seedy underbelly of New York within its pimps, gangs but also its politicians. Everything weighing down on his shoulders, no wonder he wants to pull out a gun on it all. We see him, not so much decend but more evolve from someone who is a spectator to a referee. Robert De Niro is just fantastic in this role, its great to see him in his prime and actually be able to kick people who are on the floor. Plus you have the infamous, improvised “you talking to me” scene which really shows his character changing from what he was at the beginning.

If you liked Joker than you would like this too. Watching this i’d be very surprised if Todd Phillips wasn’t heavily influenced by every aspect of Taxi Driver. I mean he even got Robert De Niro in Joker, it must be true! My very loose point here is that this film was ahead of its time, it seriously holds up to the point that Taxi Driver and Joker look and feel pretty much the same but with a 50 year difference. Both incredible films.

Overall this film is the opposite to how real taxi drivers drive, its incredible. There were maybe a few aspects that seemed a bit disjointed and out of character but thats something I’ll need to pick up on on my second watch. I think i was just getting distracted by the boner inducing visuals.

8.5 Hidden Gun Gauntlets out of 10

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“I got worms”

Review by Lewis Goodall

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that”. A great quote from the greater George Carlin.

Dumb and Dumber, written and directed by Peter Farrelly, follows Harry (Jeff Daniels) and Llyod (Jim Carrey) as they trek halfway across America in search of Mary (Lauren Holly) to give back her forgotten briefcase.

There is no other film that does stupid comedy quite like this, and I don’t mean stupid comedy where its just poorly written, parody nonsense shite like scary movie 12 or how ever many there are. Im talking about comedy that is cleverly disguised as being stupid that it seems stupid but in reality…. its still stupid, but its perfect stupid.

Jeff and Jim play Harry and Llyod so incredibly incredibly incredibly stupid and its just perfect. You really feel as if you’re watching the two village idiots of two towns try and travel cross country. There’s just so many laugh out loud moments of pure stupidity that makes this film one of the most hilarious ever made and its mostly thanks to these two and their performances. No one can cool their mouths off with ketchup and mustard like these two. No one can pull off orange and blue tuxedos at an high end event like these two. No one can explode out their arse like Harry can and no one can make the most annoying sound in the world like Lloyd can.

One thing that I noticed which is something that kind of goes over my head but in this it sticks in my mind, its such a small detail but its something that you don’t see much but its the attention to the insignificant sound effects. This is such a weird topic for this film but I like to give appreciation to the small details. The sound effect In this film are great, to the point where you can hear him blow salt off the table, any other film you couldnt hear the salt brush off the table but in this you can. There’s many other examples and this is too long a paragraph for it but that’s something I liked so I’m gonna talk about it god damn it, I LIKED THE SOUND EFFECTS, SUE ME!!!

As well as sound effects, the sound MUSIC is also very very well picked. The music in the film is picked wonderfully to emphasise the mood in the film, especially the sad moments, another nice touch for the sound guys there, shouts outs to you.

P.s. only just realise they made an animeted series based on the film with Harry and Llyod getting up to other adventures. Never knew that, just thought I’d point that out.

Overall, for some reason I’ve talked more about sound than I have the comedy of this film but that’s because there’s not much to say other than the fact that it is just down right hilarious and It is Jim Carrey in his absolute prime. Its one of the best, hands down and I feel I have to end it in a really cliche manner but it works to perfect not to so I’m gonna do it, if you you’ve seen the film you’ll read it exactly as its said in the film….. I like it a LOT.

8 IOU’s out of 10

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“Three grown men… outsmarted by a mouse”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Right, before I start I just need to grab some tissues. Looking back at this movie is gonna bring back memories and make me cry all over again so at parts you may just have to give me a minute to recollect.

The Green Mile, directed by Frank Darabont, based off a Novel by Stephen King, takes us to death row. The lives of the guards on death row are changed forever when their latest inmate gets brought in, a mountain of a man thats in for the crime of raping and killing two children. The lives are changed when this mountain shows off his mysterious gift.

This film broke me… before this film I didn’t cry at films, I was just a robot, void of emotions but this…. oh boy I was streaming down my face. Now this is a long film, its three hours long so it really has the time for you to get invested into all the characters and to build bonds with all of them, all that’s the killer factor of this film and what it does best. This film feels different to others in terms of building that bond because it has a pretty small cast, there’s only a handful of people in the film so each one is vivid enough to bring something to the story.

Tom Hanks is in this film, therefore instantly declaring it a masterpiece because he is sensationally in everything he does. Tom is the main Guard of the Green Mile (what they call the death row building), and he is accompanied by 3 – 4 other guards that help him look after the place. A new recruit joins the guards to get a piece of the action that goes on in death row. He stirs up the whole dynamic with a twisted, sadistic mindset that doesn’t sit well with the rest of the guards. This new guard is a twat basically.

There is honestly too much to talk about with this film and all of it would just be me praising it in every single way. The way the music perfectly works alongside all the emotions flowing through the cells blocks. The differences in personalities between the inmates, some being calm and collected and one being bat shit noodle crazy fart. Its one of those films that has all the pieces put so perfectly together to create a journey. Seeing the justice system at work and how some of these men can change. One of the inmates really feels as though they don’t belong there, they’re too sweet to be on death row, let the man walk.

Just before I get onto the overall, There is a supernatural aspect to this film which i really wasn’t expecting the first time I watched it so just a heads up. I know that’s not really important I just felt like adding it just so you don’t watch it an get put off by a man with Bugs swarming out his mouth. It’s incredible I promise.

Overall this is a short review because I cant handle the emotional PTSD I’m getting. This is just a touching film that will take your heart and brutalise it like a rottweiler with a baby. Its has incredible characters, writing, cinematography, everything, its a masterpiece so although you’ll need a bucket to catch the tears, its very very very much worth it, just have a bottle of water to rehydrate yourself after.

9.5 Mouse Villes out of 10

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“The carrot has mystery, flowers are essentially tarts, prostitutes for the bees”

Review by Lewis Goodall

You wanna see two city dwellers attempt to make it in the country, fumbling around, getting scared at everything natural and trying to cook a chicken? Well then that’s a real weird coincidence that you stumbled across this review then because this film is exactly that. How did you find this review? And why do you want to watch two people from the city try and cook a chicken? You know what, its not my place it judge, all I can say is that you have stumbled on the perfect film to fit your needs.

Withnail and I, directed and written by Bruce Robinson, takes us to 1969 Camden Town as we get a glimpse into the lives of two substance abusers/actors, Withnail (Richard E Grant) and I (Paul McGann). Both get entangled in the stressful lives of London and decide to take a trip to the country for an escape.

Its a nothing but everything film, a new genre I’ve just invented, for those films where nothing happens but you love every second. Sometimes you’ve just got to sit down to a film that focuses on character rather than the amount of explosions and tits it can fit on screen at once (that doesn’t mean stop making those sorts of films). Its good to be given a couple of posh boys not knowing what the hell they’re doing with writing that the equivalent of the edge of a door hitting you right in the funny bone.

Funny factor, lets fiddle that subject for a moment because man oh man did this film made me laugh. I’m becoming pretty desensitised to comedy where not many shows or films make me laugh anymore, so its great to be handed this on a silver platter. It was mainly a talking film so it was just the random nonsense that would come out of the characters mouth and then the other reacting, that’s mainly it, but it was done to such a fine art that a lot of it was a home run. Its one of those cult films that you know are infinitely quoted by the fans on a day to day basis and I can understand why.

All the other aspects are great, its one of this very independent films so it doesn’t strive for anything flashy but with a script that it has it really doesn’t need to focus on anything other than the writing, all of its punch lies within that.

Overall this is a British film at its best. Its that dry comedy that I feel only the British have off to a fine art. Its an easy watch, apart from maybe one scene that was pretty uncomfortable but funny at the same time. You know that uncomfortable funny, sort of like when… I actually can’t think of any example other than whats in this film, there you go, its a one off film too.

8 Carrier Bag Shoes out of 10

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“Here, only the silent survive”

Review by Lewis Goodall

To all dictators out there… you good? Or more appropriately am I good? I want to know because if you invade the UK, I need to know I fit in with your requirements and don’t taint the gene pool. Just let us know, leave a comment and I can send you a photo of my face along with medical history. I’m just trying to get on your good side, don’t want to end up with a plastic bag over my head so lemme know.

The Killing Fields, directed by Roland Joffé, depicts a war torn Cambodia where journalist, Sydney (Sam Waterston) is trapped during dictator Pol Pot’s genocide of the Cambodian people.

You want a realistic war film? Watch this. This film looks like a really well paced documentary with all its components coming together making it just seems so real. The cinematography grabs my attention straight away, it grabbed my attention, stood in front of me and shook it in front of my face. I don’t know what it was but there was something about the type of film they used, It just gave the film a different feel to normal films, one of those things that hard to explain in words but it hit different. That matched with stunning angles just made this film very easy watching, which is a contrast to watch you’re actually watching which was pretty horrible.

So this film takes place during a mass genocide, not really a Saturday night sit down with the family. The very realistic style of filming matched with the real events that happened in Cambodia made this quite a harrowing two hour twenty minute watch. The film doesn’t just focus on the mass killings, but more on the friendship between the journalist Sydney and his translator, Dith Pran (Haing S. Ngor). The two of them making their way through the ruins of Cambodia while attempting to document whats happening is fantastic to watch.

Weirdly with the long run time of the film, I wish they added a bit more backstory into their friendship and also the overall events. Maybe I missed some details but if the back of the box didn’t mention Pol Pot I would’ve just thought this was a generic war film. This might just be me, I might’ve missed some details but I’m not blaming me, i’m pushing the blame on the god awful music.

Its not all awful, sometimes the music is beautiful and really accentuates ( we’ve got a bigger budget for bigger words if you can tell) the emotions in the scene. So ill give it that but there was also some music used throughout that was so distracting and annoying that would make a chicken purposefully not lay eggs just so it would take an axe to the neck. It just cheapened the experience in parts that are meant to be nail biting, so when you have a film thats incredibley realistic with everything and then you have this annoying synths going, its a wee bit distracting.

Overall, apart from the music, this film is one of the most realistic depictions of a war i’ve seen. Everything comes together to make it super impactful. It didn’t get me but this’ll be a tear jerker for many people. Plus John Malkovich is in it so if you weren’t sold already, there you go.

8 Cow Juice Cartons out of 10

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“I am not an animal! I am a human being! I… am… a man!”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Half animal, half human, that’s the way to be. Not furries but an actual mix, that would be great! Let’s be real, humans are boring, the best thing about us is the opposable thumb. Then you have animals out there that can glide, change colour and look like a leaf. We don’t looks like leaves, or at least I don’t, i’m far too big to be a leaf, I might as well be the elephant man :,(

The Elephant Man, directed by David Lynch, is the true story of the unfortunate John Merrick. Fredrick Treves (Antony Hopkins), is a physician working out of London hospital. While wondering around a freak show, he discovers an act that is so foul it can’t be shown. That act is… The Elephant Man. This terrifying beast is John Merrick (John Hurt), a horrifically deformed human. Fredrick saves John from a life of being abused in the freak show and allows him to come out of his Elephant shell in a story of humanity and friendship.

Its amazing to me that David Lynch, within the space of three years, went from making one of my most hated films, to making one of my most beloved. (If you’ve seen my review for Eraserhead then you have an idea as to how I felt about that). Eraserhead was the equivalent to John Merrick’s looks whereas The Elephant Man is his charm and kindness. This film is an amazing lesson about looking beyond the cover of someone’s book and discovering their beauty, even if that book cover is horrifically mangled and making weird slurping noises.

I usually praise acting first, acting and then story and blah blah blah but this time I’m am going to praise you, Christopher Tucker. This man created the look of John Merrick and it is the spitting image. To create the look of John Merrick, it took seven to eight hours to apply the makeup, so huge kudos to both him and John Hurt for the dedication, a round of applause please and thank you’s. They so accurately depicted John Merrick and it really sucked you in to this character, which is my segway to acting, lets gooooooo.

Acting, John Hurt played John Merrick beautifully, of course the make up helped but accurately depicting this broken man, slowly becoming open to society was wonderful. Anthony Hopkins is just perfect as always, that goes without saying. The bond between these two felt very very real and made this emotional movie that more impactful.

The story itself is a real eye opener. Its a very important story which I think a lot of people nowadays would benefit from. It boils down to the book saying, don’t judge a book by its cover, looking at people who aren’t normal by societies terms and not immediately judging them or throwing banana skins at them, that sort of thing. John Merricks story is a tragic one, but seeing the power of one persons kindness bring a bit of happiness into their life, nothing beats that. A lot of people have the power and the choice, to be kind or to be hurtful to others, its an easy choice and a choice that a lot of people online get wrong, but this film really shows the effect of people, not only the hundreds being mean, but the effect of one being nice. Fart fart piss poo wee wee fart fart. There we go, had to bring it down a notch, that was getting far too preachy.

Overall this is going to sound cliche but it truly is, its one of the most moving and touching films I’ve ever seen. Knowing that its true makes it pile drive your heart just that bit more. Plus this is a David lynch film, I didn’t like Eraserhead but it had gorgeous visuals which he also incorporated here too, big yes from me. Don’t be a mouse, be an Elephant.

9.5 Pillows On The Bed out of 10

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“Know that I shall tell no lie, let me burn in hell should I speak false”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Could I be in a gang? Easy, I’m already a part of both the Bloods and the Crips so if there are any more invitations out there I’ll be happen to join.

True History of The Kelly Gang, directed by Justin Kurzel, is the not so true story of, you guessed it, the Kelly Gang. Set in 1870’s, Ned Kelly (George MacKay) is an Australian Bushranger who flees from the corrupt authorities with help from the rest of the Kelly Gang.

This film is based on a novel by Peter Carey. I haven’t read the novel and I’m glad I haven’t because most of the bad reviews are from die hard fans of the book who don’t like the fact that Ned Kelly is blonde, So I’m glad I’m not one of those people. So instead of thinking its a bad film based on a good book, I just think its an alright film.

This is one of those films where I fall for it straight away because it has a unique style that I love, backed up by great music. As the run time goes on I slowly stop looking at its style and more at its substance and realise that the substance is good but not great. I have no problem with the acting, everyone is great. I have no problem with the cinematography and music, they’re both great too. I think its down to pacing and writing where I started drifting.

It was a film where things happened and I enjoyed what was happening, the happenings were good but I don’t know if it was just me but it seemed like the transition between events fell a bit flat. I didn’t find myself caring for any of the characters really so I wasn’t really invested with what was happening to them but with the nice music it sort of made up for it.

This film had a great cast, George MacKay, Essie Davis, Nicholas Hoult, Russell Crowe, Charlie Hunnam, and more, so the cast was there but they didn’t stop me from checking my phone every now and then because the writing was a bit meh. It just didn’t grab me and the end felt very unjustified and rushed but I didn’t really mind because I lost my investment halfway. I was preparing myself for a lawless gang who rip shreds through heads and eat bones or something, not that gruesome but a lawless gang. Considering its about a gang, you get about 30 minutes of gang, even then they’re not really a gang but more just a bunch of people trying not to get killed.

Overall the experience fell flat pretty quick. It has lovely cinematography with a great cast but it goes to show that at the end of the day, its down to the writing, and when the writing includes characters you don’t connect with an events that don’t feel justified then you get the Kelly Gang… Its okay.

6 Eye of Embers out of 10

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“What am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan!”

Review by Lewis Goodall

Marriage on the rocks? Is lust steering you towards an affair? Need that something to keep you faithful? Introducing the latest product from crazyladies.net, Alex Forrest. Alex comes with features that seem appealing at first but ultimately leave you in regret. Trying out our product will guarantee you will want to go home to the safety of your partner instead of settling for a cheap fling. Try our free trial of Alex Forrest and she will persistently tell you to subscribe to the full membership or she will ruin your marriage. The secret to a successful marriage is to steer clear of Alex. Watch our trailer, ‘Fatal Attraction’ to show you why going steering clear of an affair will keep you faithful.

Fatal Attraction, directed by Adrian Lyne, is an anxiety inducing nightmare of the dangers of having a one night stand. Dan’s (Michael Douglas) wife is away visiting her family for the weekend. While his wife is away, he is drawn to Alex (Glenn Close), a business associate with eyes that say “I can be discreet if you know what I mean”. After a night of nookie nookie (sex), Dan’s family life is threatened as that one night stand comes back to haunt him when Alex becomes obsessed.

This film is more of a PSA. Do not cheat on your partner! And heres why. This film creates an anxiety that’s similar, if not better than horror films. I think a lot of people do have those thoughts of cheating on their partner and this film shows the worst case scenario of what can happen.

The star of this film is Glenn Close and her depiction of the obsessive lover. She absolutely nails crazy. The beginning of the film when her and Dan first meet, shes a very appealing, direct woman. When Dan’s family life starts interrupting Alex’s plans, Alex unleashes her inner psycho to keep Dan for herself. The pacing of this film is what makes it such a nerve fest. Shes builds and builds throughout the film in an uber realistic way to really play on your mind to the point where you’re frightened by the sound of a telephone ringing because it might be her. I’ve read that Glenn Close has had a lot of people approach her to tell her that her depiction of Alex has saved marriages which I find hilarious but rightly so.

Something I will never get bored of in films is the use of opera music, I think it always fits well and the use of it in this film is spot on. Used at the beginning to represent a bond between Dan and Alex but then beginning used as a tool to get closer to Dan is brilliant. Other than that everything else regarding the film is fairly standard, no real cinematic camera angles that stick in my mind, the focus is more on the down right loonicy of Alex.

Overall if you’re looking for a horror film, picnic this. It’s not labelled as a horror film but it’s better than 98% of the horror films that are coming out now. The levels of anxiety throughout are through the roof. Plus theres a couple of juicy nookie nookie scenes in there too and while doesnt love that.

7.5 Wet Rabbits out of 10

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“It’s hideous! It’s horrible! It’s home!”

Review by Lily Taylor

This 2019 animated version of The Addams Family includes all the same quirky and macabre characters created by Charles Addams, only this time they’re animated. As a modern spin on the classic, Gomez (Oscar Isaac) and Morticia (Charlize Theron) decide to move to New Jersey and take up residence in a delightful abandoned asylum for the criminally insane, the perfect place to start a family right? Fast forward 13 years and welcome Wednesday (Chloë Grace Moretz) and Pugsley (Finn Wolfhard) into the family, plus Lurch the creepy yet hardworking butler and of course Thing, the anthropomorphised hand. The Addams’ clash with local reality TV personality Margaux Needler (Allison Janney) who is committed to rid the town of the morbid family and create the perfect community, she is willing to do whatever it takes to have complete control.

One thing I think is really important to stress here: this is a kids movie. It’s only 86 minutes long and the plot is very, and I mean very, easy to follow. Being a kids film it is a little predictable but that doesn’t mean there isn’t space for black comedy and the occasional adult joke slipped in. An example of this is when Thing, the hand, is seen sneakily checking out pictures of feet on the internet. I think it’s a wonderful thing when a children’s film manages to engineer adult jokes that fly straight over a child’s head, keeps everyone entertained. The Addams Family appears to have received a very lukewarm reception and I attribute that largely to people’s love of the original, it’s certainly a tough act to follow and live up to. However, I think the film is more enjoyable if you take it as a stand alone production rather than comparing it to the OG movies.

I thought the casting was generally pretty fantastic, lots of big names and unique voices. Aside from those I’ve already mentioned, the movie also features the hilarious Nick Kroll as Uncle Fester, Bette Midler as grandma and even Snoop Dogg as Cousin It, who arrives in a low rider blasting Snoop Dogg’s music. Not all the voices were amazing, controversially I actually found Charlize Theron a bit grating and Finn Wolfhard was potentially just a bit too cheery to be an Addams.

The animation was very satisfying, the animated hair was spot on. I don’t think the simplistic plot matters half as much if you allow yourself to indulge in the animation style. Near the start of the film Morticia is preparing for her wedding and uses her parents ashes as makeup, she applies her mother’s ashes as eyeshadow and the animation is next level, I was totally captivated.

I’ve said a lot of positive things about this film and I almost feel a need to defend it slightly due to it’s distinctly average reviews. I’m not saying it’s anywhere near a perfect 10 or that it’s in any way an improvement on the original Addams Family movies but if you give it a chance it’s absolutely a very watchable and even enjoyable film.

I would give The Addams Family 7 reverse poopers out of 10.

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The Addams Family (2019)

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